INSPIRATION FOR WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED – TENDAI’S DILEMMA

You would be surprised, or not, at how many young women have gone through the excruciatingly painful experience of having an

Be blessed

 abortion. It’s not so much the procedure that hurts, technology has made it quite painless, but it’s the havoc it wreaks to one’s emotions and spirit that make it so. Funny enough everyone makes it such a big secret making it hard to support women who have been through such. I’m looking at this from a Christian point of view where religious people have made it such an abomination that anyone faced with the reality feels such an outcast, some women choose to commit suicide, that’s how deep the trauma can go. I consulted with a women’s clinic in Cape Town called Marie Stopes, and although they were not at liberty to discuss specifics with me, they shed a lot of light by sharing their experiences counselling and performing safe abortions.

Having read TD Jakes’ book, woman thou art loosed and been helped by it in several areas of my life, I found it a fitting title to address Tendai’s dilemma. I will be writing more about issues that women face and hoping that they will turn into healing materials. If Tyler Perry can address real issues at the scale that he has, hello 🙂

It is so easy for men especially to judge women that abort their pregnancies and yet they are major key points in many women’s decisions to do so. I sincerely hope that the short story series has shed some light on possible situations that lead to the act.

Note to men who have asked their partners to have an abortion:

Please be more understanding and loving towards your partners. Think about what the procedure will do to them as a person. There’s an unofficial statement that says after and abortion, it’s extremely rare for a couple to stay together. They’ll be a lot of resentment directed your way. Any man that has asked a woman to abort or been a factor in a woman aborting, please make it your responsibility to make sure the lady gets some sort of closure on the issue. Please unless it’s a mutual decision and there is absolutely no other way, don’t let this happen. Let’s condomise if abstinence is out of the question.

Note to women who have aborted:

There is grace enough in the Lord Jesus to release you from inner turmoil and torment. Christ has forgiven you and the most difficult part is forgiving yourself but you need to. Don’t hold on to hurts that are no longer yours. Acknowledge your mistakes and move on and be wiser. Life is a journey and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t make your fair share of mistakes. Ask God to turn your nightmare into something less sinister.  Condomise if you must have sex and abstinence is proving difficult. Tendai was faced with an abortion, it could have been an STD or HIV, and now how do you solve that? There is a reason why the bible text asks us not to fornicate, there is so much that can traumatise the soul by having sex outside of a secure (marriage) relationship. Rather lose your  man within a month by refusing to sleep with him or refusing to not use a condom rather than losing him anyway – because that’s what happens with such men – in a few years because you’ve now made an even bigger mistake.  Please choose to be wise, you don’t have to do everything a man asks you to do, learn to have a mind. If you can’t protect yourself how will you protect your family? Isn’t it how some women end up allowing their men to rape their children just so they can keep them? Please, develop backbones and groom yourselves to be women worthy of being called wives and mothers one day. Develop backbones that will allow you to choose the ministry of being single if you so desire, not because you’re bitter or have no choice but because it is what you want. Again I will say, there is grace enough – a saint is just a sinner who fell down but got up, not once not twice, but many times. Be characterised by getting up and not by falling down and staying there. Be blessed.

Gugu.

WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED IV – END

As slowly as  the seasons turn, did Monday turn into Tuesday. With finality, having exhausted her thoughts, Tendai drank the pill Nurse Ndlovu had given her and made her way to the clinic.

When the day was over and she had awoken from her drug induced sleep, relief and sadness overcame her. She had chosen her own freedom. She locked her hostel room; her secret place and poured her heart out to God.

O Lord

Redeem me Jesus

My heart also instructs me in the night season

Keep me as the apple of your eye

Hide me under the shadow of your wings

Cleanse  me from secret faults

Keep me from presumptuous sins, may they not dominate my life

Let the words that I speak

And the meditations of my heart

Be acceptable in your sight

O Lord my strength and my redeemer

You know my thoughts and you know my heart

Jesus your blood has delivered me and I’m not worthy

Your grace extended, my faith commanded

Please feel my pain and empty me

Empty me to refill me

All things work together for good so I stand

Naked before you

Let your light shine on all the dark places

Make straight the crooked paths in my heart

I ask that you bless me in the middle of my mess

I’m crying out for a blessing that makes no sense

A radical blessing

Use me to touch the hearts of other women

Women faced with what I’ve just seen

The secrecy and the stigma are debilitating

Right now my mouth hesitates

To speak out to a world that has judged my situation

But I stand before you a willing vessel

Use me as you please, and turn this around for your will

It’s the least that I can do

I stand justified Jesus

Because you took my sin as your own

As far as the East is from the West

As far as the Heavens are over the Earth

That’s how much you love me

That’s how far you’ve removed my sins

For as long as you purpose

Let my wound heal but the scar remain

That I may be mobilised to comfort and bless

The statistics are frightening

Shed light on the scars of abortion

Help young women learn obedience

So that they are not faced with the trauma of having to make such a decision as I have

Thank you for allowing me to rest in you

Forgive me.

Tendai drifted off back to sleep murmuring the Lord’s Prayer, Our Father who art in heaven…

She allowed peace to envelope her because what lay ahead would require her strength, humor and above all healing; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Not far from where Tendai stayed another woman lay, layer upon layer of confusion surrounded her. But she refused to look at herself, it was easier to let men lie to her and get caught up in the lie. And when it all came tumbling down, it was easier to just find another lie to cling onto. Her own life was at a standstill, but others were wasting it for her, because she chose not to acknowledge that she was in essence, dead.

These two women’s lives cross in the most spectacular way, each challenging the other and each’s brokenness sometimes leading them through terrifying heights of confusion. Tendai’s constant prayers see them triumphing and with each step they learn the abundant truth about life. Look out for; Two heads are better than one, when they’re not banging against each other.

Woman thou art loosed iii

Monday morning found Tendai rested and hungry. It had been a long night

i keep going back and forth...?

fighting the urge to quietly exit her dilemma by joining the world of the undisturbed. The thought of her family and her beautiful gift of life allowed her to throw the contents of the whiskey bottle down the drain, and replace the pain killers in the medicine cabinet to await their intended purpose instead. First thought of the day; Snap out of victim mentality, I was very much a culprit in the formulation of this situation.

Tendai gave thanks for another day, knowing what she was going to do come Tuesday morning but still needing to sift through her thoughts and trace them to her decision. So she showered, treated herself to breakfast at her favourite café down the road and thought.

‘To abort or not to abort, that is the question’. This brought a dry smile to her face. She took a sip of her chai tea, it was good. Okay, so what was making this such a hectic decision? Surely it was cut and dry, all she had to do was the right thing. But according to whom? It’s funny how some people seemed to know what God’s thoughts were on ALL issues of life and took on the authority, not to provide wise counsel based on the word of God available in print, but to judge harshly and make commandments just because it is written… This last thought made her laugh a bit too loudly for someone having breakfast for one. Her eyes quickly swept through the café, phew no one except that waiter that keeps eyeing me seems to have noticed, and he seems to want to laugh with me. Ever since I became a regular, he seems to be fascinated by my tendency to lounge on the corner sofa alone with a book or schoolwork while I indulge in wine, tea or something decadent to eat. He had even ventured as far as to try and describe the type of person I am, never forgetting to write his phone number on my bill every time he served me, seeing as I refused to give him mine. Anyway, what had made me laugh was an article I had read on the internet titled Why can’t I own a Canadian? What had happened was a Jewish lady had been slandering homosexuality, and in final authority had quoted a verse from the book of Leviticus in the bible, so a ‘fan’ had written to her and asked since God says, in Leviticus, that I can own slaves but they must be from a neighbouring country – why can’t I own a Canadian? It went on to touch on a few more subjects, obviously hypothesising that Leviticus is an authority on life issues, and exposing the very gigantic holes in that theory. Mmm is it possible that some people get it wrong about life and dealing with it and they don’t even know it?

Tendai’s thoughts returned back to her present impasse. What factors were making it hard to choose what to do; family, Kundai, her future, the baby’s future. In all of this was God of course, but she knew Him well enough to know that He loved her first and foremost, whatever she did He always reminded her there were consequences. So she broke it down:

Family – obviously what parent or sibling in their right mind would want or advise their daughter or sister to get an abortion. It’s not a nice thing to go through especially if it’s a religious family (I say religious assuming that the same principle applies in Judaism, Islam, Hindu, African traditional religion as in Christianity). On the other hand, until recently, some families have been known to advise against chemotherapy for their family member riddled with the dilemma to remove cancer, suffer now and be rid of it or to keep cancer and see how it goes. Not to say a baby is cancer, it’s just a thought, just a thought. If people heard the things in my head, doompf, she made a shoot myself gesture with her hand. Again she looked around but this time no one was paying attention, not even Mr Waiter who was busy pouring coffee for an elderly couple.

Kundai – For once since she woke up, her stomach turned and she lost appetite. She was done listening to him that’s for sure. She’d figure the rest out later, like if there was even a relationship worth considering. The selfish ‘Mr I want you to get an abortion, I’m not going to help you but I don’t want anyone else to know or else it’ll ruin my integrity’, self centred coward. It was no use talking to him either he would be like, ‘We made the decision together so stop acting like I’m forcing you to do this’. Argh, of all the men in the world I pick this one to be in love with. The saddest thing is after all the other failed relationships; I was hoping to never go through another one. Or is it just me being ‘hormonal’ and what not? Why can’t I just keep quiet, get the abortion, and hope he marries me because right now his word means just about the same as a used tissue paper, disgusting. I’m sorry but how are we as women supposed to respect and submit to men who have no concern for anyone except themselves? Where is the protection? If the head of the house only thinks about the head, how long will the rest of the body last? Survival of the fittest, do or die, all I’m saying is I’m getting out alive. If the head doesn’t function, it means the system doesn’t function, it means the principles don’t apply, it means I’m throwing out that book, rebooting, rewiring, reconditioning, rewriting and Lord help me I’ll grow my own damn head. On the real, imagine how the next guy will react if I tell him I’ve had an abortion, he’ll be out the door faster than I can say, this is what happened. Even if he stays and listens, his heart would have exited having labelled me damaged. Men! They feed their minds with pornography but expect saints as wives. Tell me if you impregnate a girl, she aborts it and you move on to a girl that has never even considered such an atrocity, what do you think happens to the other girl. Oh and what about if she keeps the child and you don’t want it, how many men do you know who will willingly marry a woman with a child? Ever heard of human debris? It piles up and you will be called up on it, so thank God I don’t have to sit and plot how to make Kundai pay for this, it’ll come to him, naturally. I should have the child just to punish him. But hold that thought, it’s so draining to be mad at one person – forget him, I’m done.

Future – If I do not allow God into this very dark space I’m in right now, whatever decision I make, they’ll be no real future for me. Tendai paused here and said a prayer allowing God to witness everything she was thinking and going through and help her make the best of any decision she made if she didn’t pick the right one; she really had to think about herself, no one had so far, including herself. It was all about the baby she was carrying. Am I being selfish? I have one more year to complete my degree on the scholarship and secure a good job so that I can afford to survive. If I have this child, I’ll forfeit the scholarship, move back home and become a burden once again to my mother on top of the others she has. I’ll have to scrap by on piece jobs because I’ll have no qualifications for a real job. No, that can not an option, I wish the reality was different but it isn’t. How do I even support this child? ‘Ameno’, my mother would be saying, ‘why start thinking now nhai mwan’angu? You should have done the thinking before. Close that bible, if it didn’t help you make a wise decision before do you think it can miraculously provide answers for your mistake now? I’ll take care of the baby, oh nhai mwari, these children need more than I know how to give’. Just the thought of mama moistened her eyes, Tendai being conscious not to cry in such a public place shut her eyes for composure, but she could feel the familiar heat starting up in her chest that signalled waterworks at any moment. Mama was such a good woman; no one could ever fault her on not doing the right thing in terms of counsel and support. I’m so embarrassed; I don’t know how I’ll even begin the story. She is so proud of me and my achievements and is really rooting for me to graduate. Lord knows she’d trade in all my success to save the life of my baby.

Tendai had to go to the toilet and let that first wave of tears out before she paid her bill, took a mango smoothie to go and found a nice bed of rocks to sit on and allow the rest of her tears to do what they wanted. A mother’s love would see her through anything, but she felt so guilty, what an imposition. Could she give that sort of love?

Baby’s future – could she allow her child to be born without a father? Let’s not even go into the psychoanalysis of an ‘unwanted’ child. Could she allow her child to experience the harsher side of life because she could not afford anything else? What would the child eat? Or wear? Where would the child sleep, go to school? The world is a cold place, what would it do to my unsuspecting child who would have a bad lot from the get go? Everyone said it would be selfish to get an abortion, wasn’t it more selfish to have the baby so I wouldn’t feel guilty for aborting it? I mean for what will I be bringing this baby into this world for? Am I too open minded? Maybe things are black and white; there are no reasons or variables that justify an abortion. Maybe it was time to face the music. Tomorrow took on a different meaning for her. A fresh flood of tears blurred her vision of the world as she had seen it, things were about to change, she was about to change.

WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED II

 ‘You’re 5 months pregnant Tendai. I won’t be able to perform the procedure on you as you’re too far along, you’ll have to wait until Tuesday when Dr Hlabangani is back.’

Nurse Ndlovu paused, registering the blank expression on Tendai’s face. ‘Are you ok my dear?’ Tendai nodded but said nothing. ‘Do you want to go ahead with the abortion; should I make the appointment for Tuesday morning with the Doctor?’ Tendai couldn’t breathe, she battled for air as tears seemed to roll effortlessly down her cheeks and yet she remained silent, her throat seemed unable to allow enough air to form sound. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, so many thoughts were swimming in her head but she couldn’t find the right one to follow. The voices in her head were too loud; there was Mama saying abortion was wrong, infact most voices shared similar sentiments, there was Kundai saying they weren’t ready yet – what did that even mean? There was also her conscience that seemed to be slipping away, making it difficult to think, and trying to keep it with her so she could still feel alive in God seemed an exercise in futility. She wished someone could think for her right now; take over all the decisions she had to make.

While Nurse Ndlovu was squeezing her hand and allowing her to go through her emotions, Tendai decided to make the appointment, in any event she would have the whole weekend and Monday to make up her mind. She opened her mouth to let the Nurse know her decision, and again nothing came out, fresh tears followed the same path that the previous ones had. She just nodded her consent, allowing the Nurse to go on with her work and make the necessary arrangements. What a mess this all was, ‘Is there someone who can pick you up dear? You’re in no condition to be alone’. ‘My boyfriend is waiting for me outside’, calling Kundai her boyfriend seemed like a betrayal to herself, how could a boyfriend want to get rid of his child? Did he not love her? ‘Very well then, you can stay here as long as you like and if you want counselling let me know. Only do this abortion if it is what you want. Here, take this pill on Tuesday morning before you come, don’t forget.’ Tendai took the pill and walked out of the office forgetting to say thank you or goodbye.

Kundai was still waiting for her when she walked back into the waiting room. When he touched her, she felt like she was being seared by a hot iron and winced. Her body didn’t recognise him, her heart rejected him and she just walked right past him and into the street, past his car. She was oblivious to anything or anyone around her, how she got herself safely to her dorm room could only have been the result of God’s angels who would not let her foot dash against a stone. If God in His great mercy could be so careful with her life, why was she so careless about it herself?

Tendai woke up with a start, her cell phone jarring her awake. ‘Hello?’ ‘How could you make such a fool of me? I took time off work to take you to the clinic and you just walked out on me?’ ‘I’m sorry Kundai’ she replied, not because she was sorry but because she couldn’t believe how he could be thinking about himself and she didn’t have the strength to get into it. ‘So? Did you do it?.

‘No I didn’t go through with the procedure today, I’m…’

‘What’s wrong with you Tendai? We agreed that you would do it so why are you being so stupid? What are you going to do with a baby?’

‘Kundai listen please…’

‘No there’s nothing to listen to, I don’t know what I saw in you in the first place, you’re just very silly and I’ve been there for you, trying to help you and you don’t appreciate it. Please don’t call me again unless it’s to tell me that you’ve had an abortion.’ The line went dead.

Tendai held the phone to her ear still, immobilised by the turn of events. Slowly she drifted off again, welcoming the escape that sleep provided, if only she wouldn’t wake up.

Saturday morning, Tendai tried to call Kundai, he was not answering his phone. In a final attempt to get in touch, she sms’ed him the details of what happened in Nurse Ndlovu’s office as best as she could. He called back only to tell her that not only was he not prepared to pay for the abortion fees, he was certainly not accompanying her on Tuesday as he would not miss work for her again. She could not find the strength to get out of bed after that.

Sunday morning on her way from church she met a friend of hers, Tsungai. ‘Hawu girl, why umissing in action so? Izolo it was happening at the Blue Lounge, you know Big Nuz was in town, it was so to do even Kundai was there, getting his freak on girl, how are you though?’ It was an effort to smile and pretend that Tsungai’s words hadn’t hurt her. ‘I’m fine hey, just a bit tired but I’ll definitely catch up with you later ok?’, ‘Sure chomie, later’.

That evening Tendai called her close friend Sekai and told her everything that had transpired the past couple of days. It all came out in no particular order but it had to come out.

‘The worst thing of it all is that it’s as if I got into this situation by myself. And now I’m thinking how can I raise a child without a man? I have nothing in this world, my family’s not wealthy, is it really fair to bring a child into this world to suffer for my mistakes?’ She looked at her friend, hoping to find answers there. ‘I mean, if I don’t get this education, what will become of me? I don’t want to be another statistic and drop out. Why would I want to have Kundai’s child and he doesn’t even want it? I don’t want my poor baby to suffer’

‘Listen Tendai, and please keep what I tell you secret’ Tendai nodded consent to this condition before her friend went on.

‘You remember that time when I skipped class? I had an abortion that day. You know what my friend, at the end of the day it’s your life, think about it carefully, look around you, and think about the future. Everyone makes mistakes, and please stop crying. There are so many other girls who have gone through the same thing; it’s just that no one wants to talk about it’.

‘It hurts though, I want to have this child and I love Kundai, but I don’t understand why he’s acting so cold. It’s not like we just met yesterday.’

‘I know, just think about it and if you do decide to go ahead with it, I’ll go with you and we’ll sort out that payment, ok?’

‘Thanks for being a friend to me, it means so much right now’.

After Sekai left, Tendai called Kundai and begged, ‘We can do this Kundai, please, it’s not so bad. You love me don’t you? Didn’t you say we were going to get married?’ ‘Tendai what don’t you understand, stop acting like a child, finish school first don’t go making life harder for yourself, children will come, but not now’

‘Kundai but we should have thought of that before, how come you didn’t say all these things when we were having sex? If you were ready for all that, why can’t you accept this now. I don’t understand’

‘No Tendai, we don’t need a child now, why do you like making things difficult’

‘Can you at least come over and talk to me, I’m scared I don’t know what’s going on, I’m finding it hard to breathe every time I think about this’

‘It’s late; I’ll call you tomorrow ok? You’ll be fine, just try to be strong’

That night Tendai cried into her pillow, soaking it with tears that wouldn’t stop. Sometime during the night, she sat up, tired of crying and feeling helpless. A bottle of whiskey and some painkillers dared her from her nightstand. On shaky feet, she got up, her body numb to the cold and her heart resolute in its decision to stop the pain; she turned of the light, it was just too damn bright – at least whatever waited for her in the dark, it was nothing compared to what she was going through now, and Oh God she wanted relief.

does he not love me?

Celebrating motherhood

The children were much older now and they intended to be good to her, for

Michelle Obama and her mother

all those years she took care of them. Now it was her turn to be taken care of. Small gestures were all it took to make her happy and proud. I watched her face as she allowed her children to make decisions for her. Normally, she would make the decisions, based on practicality and economics, discipline and thoughts of tomorrow; but now she could have whatever she wanted. But, she had lost touch with what she wanted; she knew only what her children needed. She had no concept of being a Queen in a world outside her own home. No concept of getting to choose to sleep in the penthouse suite and eat anything she wanted. So unaccustomed to being the one who could throw a tantrum, unaccustomed to being the one that mattered and the one who could make demands. In an effort to understand that indeed it was her, and her children were so grown up and ready to be of service to her as she had been to them, she resorted to what she knew best. Asking if they needed anything else, she turned to look at her children who already had begun unpacking her bags for her, and turned to face me, hands twisting and untwisting, unaccustomed to having nothing to do. ‘Please bring extra milk and sugar for our coffee later, they’ll need it’. ‘No problem, I’ll send it right up’, I said even though I knew there was more than enough for all of them to last them their whole stay. She looked to me like a child unaccustomed to the labours of love from others, uncomfortable that she didn’t need to do anything in order for things to run smoothly. The love that surrounded her could only have been brought about by years of selflessness and nurturing. The love that was at her disposal now, was the unconditional love she had given, and nothing had prepared her for its return to her, like a boomerang – a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and overflowing.

I hope that people appreciate their mothers. And I also hope that a lot of the young, black girls who become mothers recognize the magnitude and importance of the job that they have. People need to realize- young women in particular – that parenting skills are developed over the course of a lifetime. And it takes at least that long to raise a child correctly – BENJAMIN CARSON, M.D. Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery, Johns Hopkins Hospital

After Dark

Sometimes I lay in my bed the whole day, a million and one things I’d need to

my reflections should reflect my life as I chose and nothing else...

be doing, but the position of complacency and false rest so gripping that I succumb to its charm and just lay there, doing nothing of significance. As the day turns into night, I realise with a heavy heart, that I have just wasted a whole day. I begin to list the things I could have done today that now have to eat up my tomorrow, that is, if I venture out of bed at all tomorrow. The silly thing is; I will always wake up to honour commitments made to others, like my job and church. And yet the most important commitment I must honour, is the one I’ve buried so deep in the sub conscious of my sub conscious, that it would take serious consciousness to penetrate through all those levels in my psyche to realise it’s the most obvious and simple commitment I’ve ever made. A commitment that has no hidden sub prints or commands, a commitment that allows me to twist it, spin it, complicate it or trash it. A commitment that is so freeing, limited by my own imagination and the imagination of those I’ve allowed to imbed in my consciousness, their thoughts, ideologies and idiosyncrasies. A commitment that is so dynamic it actually shape shifts to fit in with whatever path I choose because the commitment in itself, is as broad or as narrow as I dare, as colourful or dull as I paint, as long or as short as I make it.

This commitment I made before I breathed my first breath. The Mastermind, who formed the whole matrix of this universe with just words, asked me a question before I was. ‘Do you want to live?’ ‘Yes I do’, I replied in commitment to accepting a life. No further commands were given to me on that day except that I live the life I’d been given to live. A family was chosen; religion, education and influence were bombarded on me, chosen for me, until such a time that I could ‘intelligently’ articulate how I wanted to live. Until such a time that I sometimes ‘defied’ the ‘norms’ handed down to me on the credence that that’s how it was, even before me.

And so today, it occurred to me, after the sun went down, after the day bowed out to make way for night, after activities lay down to make way for reflections, it occurred to me. The reflections I had were of someone else’s prescriptions for my life. You’re a good woman, you’ll be a wonderful mother and wife, you’re an astute manager…the list is endless. No doubt, being a slave to compliments, these words hit where even my man’s loving can’t tickle. I suppose in a way they are also a reflection of selflessness, so nothing wrong there. But it occurred to me After dark, that I should live.

When the day was over, it reminded me how lucky I am that it was but a day I just lost, and that the After dark I was experiencing, was not the suffix to my entire life. And so as the angels concluded the benediction of another sunset, I recommitted to honouring the most important commitment of my life; to live. I will live as I believe, believe as I experience and experience as I exercise faith.