5 Reasons Why Many Christian Guys Remain Single


God has a sense of humor. When I wrote 5 Reasons Why Many Christian Girls Remain Single, I never meant to follow it up with the same topic directed at men. But God had other ideas! Two days ago, I decided not to listen to music as I normally do in the morning but turned the radio on, hoping to hear a sermon. What I heard as I scanned for the right channel was a reading from the expositor study bible from Son life radio station here in Baton Rouge.

The couple on the radio was reading from Genesis 24 – the story of how Eliezer (Abraham’s servant) took a wife for Isaac. That particular morning, the story gripped me in a way that I had hitherto experienced. I quickly jotted down what the message spoke to me and headed out to work. Later that day, I read the…

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5 Reasons Why Many Christian Girls Remain Single


In 2012 ,I was invited to be a member of a panel at a Christian singles conference. After speaking about living a purposeful life, and remaining pure in singleness, the topic of marriage invariably came up. A woman stood up and started pouring out her heart about how she desired a husband. How she was in her late thirties and did not want to be alone anymore. She said that she was on the verge of ‘settling’!

In an attempt to comfort her, an older woman whom we will call Sarah stood up and proclaimed that she was single at 60 AND had never married. Sarah started to encourage the younger lady. She said, look at me, I am 60 and not married but I will not settle. I want what God wants for me and will not settle for less. I have had many counterfeit men come into my…

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A license to parent

Mental health professionals are amazing. They enter into hardened, neglected and traumatised spaces and begin healing processes for those that are fortunate or privileged enough to access them. Sadly most children in their life times will not be able to get the benefit of a clinical social worker, psychologist, counsellor or other social auxilliary worker. That’s where families come in, parents, mothers and fathers.

Professionals are all well and good especially for remedial purposes but as far as preventative and therapeutic measures are concerned, I’m a believer that the family or the child’s care givers are fully capable to do the work and should in fact be encouraged and equipped to do it on a daily basis. Let’s face it there’s not enough therapists or funding to reach every child. Every trauma neglected has a risk of rendering a child deliquent. Neglecting our kids is just not worth that risk.

In our homes and amidst our busy lives, let’s create and be the soft spaces that children need in order to develop healthy attachments. Every child has a right to be listened to and attended to. Never discount the power of grace. What I mean by grace is developing a vocabulary and body language skill set that is conducive to building healthy relationships with the kids in your care. Being mindful that little minds will sponge up and imitate your behaviour. They will learn respect from you, kindness, openness and all those lovely wholesome qualities. That is not to say you can’t be angry or feel the ugly stuff, but just being mindful for example not to destroy a child’s confidence because you had a bad day.

The world is a big and sometimes scary place, bad things happen. Our children should be able to talk to us and trust us so that we can help make those bad moments in their lives not so monumental and negatively pivotal in their development.

If you’re a parent or caregiver, I urge you to join parenting groups and take classes on parenting. You need a license to drive and believe me you need a more important license to drive your children’s development. A child does not come with a manual and that manual is not necessarily inbuilt, so let’s do the best we know how for our kids, they’re most important blessings we will ever receive.

Patient urgency

2013 is ready to retire and boy am I glad, its probably been the busiest year of my life. Its been a good year but in my reflections the one thing that stands out for me, the one thing worth mentioning, is the amount of children experiencing trauma and sexual abuse in South Africa.

I’ve met and worked with wonderful people this year whose aim is to put a serious dent in this issue. But alas when we shut our doors for the holidays, it seems it was us that had major dents, scars of battle, fatigue was setting in and the holidays were just in time.

Development work takes patience, anger burns hot in your chest but you have to put it aside to create peace for a child that has seen more than they should. This year especially I’ve been privvy to how different families function and respond to news that their son or daughter has been violated. Some care, some don’t and I began to understand that it is not everyone that values a child. It is not everyone that understands that a child will grow up and they become the fruit of the seed invested in them in their formative years.

I was confronted with a sobering thought, these endless cases of children that are abused do not abuse themselves and its not one person running around abusing all of them either. Women break down when they find out their loving husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles or even their children are responsible. How does it get to that though? When does a child become an object of desire or abuse? I could write books with the different answers collected that motivate paedophilia.

My challenge to whoever ends up reading this post, is to please remember that children are the messages we send to the future about who we are. They are the voices that will amplify our actions and confront us with the legacy we’ve given them. They may become the generation that will violate you when the tables have turned and you become the vulnerable one. Yes, men get raped too, a lot, by other men.

I hope 2014 will see a lot less of our children traumatised. I hope to live in the day that children and in fact everyone will live free of sexual violence. Until then i’ll work with a patient urgency to help these little ones who are hurting and they don’t know why. Are you response-able? How are you responding to the child sexual abuse issue? Are you responsible? How are you protecting the children in your care? Let’s together tie up the fraying threads of ubuntu. Let’s be age appropriate, I will say this again, your grown up consenting wife, girlfriend and prostitutes serve a purpose, let’s leave the children alone.

Part 2 : on dating a girl who reads…

I'm not weird, I'm just a limited edition!

Date a girl who reads.


Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek…

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Part 1 : on dating illiterate girls…

I'm not weird, I'm just a limited edition!

You should date an illiterate girl.

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicoloured light of an up-scale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a street lamp because you’ve seen it in a film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion…

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If I had audience with Uncle Bob I’d like to know…

If I had audience with Uncle Bob I would want to know; Who do you consider Zimbabwean?

For me the issue is not about vote rigging or anything else but moving forward together as a nation. If an 89 year old man can pull off a landslide win with no blood shed, on his terms, surely he has demonstrated leadership skills. Part of democracy is accepting defeat, and according to the constitution for those torn up by his victory, this will be his last term. I myself am no politician and am extremely vulnerable to propaganda so as I write this please note my apolitical stance and bear in mind that I’m a development practitioner above all. But since development on any front and politics have familiar ties, I have one very pressing question for my Uncle Bob; please define for us a Zimbabwean.

The reason I ask this question is because Zanupf’s mantra is Zimbabwe for Zimbabweans. A simple enough statement on the face of it but given Zimbabwe’s troubled history on the untalked about tribal disunity between the Shona and Ndebele, one has to ask for clarity on these issues, just to be sure.

I have the greatest admiration for the visionary that Mugabe is. I have so much respect for his discipline, foresight and tenacity. I get it, what he’s trying to do for Zimbabwe and its not easy. Breaking new ground when the whole world stands against you. Reclaiming what was stolen inhumanely, the ‘black burden’ they call it. Standing mutely on the side while the west takes from you in one form or another over time placating you with democracy while still controlling your economy. There is a bigger picture and I see it: Zimbabweans controlling our raw materials and having the patience to build capacity to industrialize and process our own finished products for domestic use and export. Who is a Zimbabwean though?

There are other bread and butter issues, yes. Like how can hungry people be expected to be patient? But because of these bread and butter issues, there is a real danger in making permanent decisions over temporary matters. That’s what I’m trying to avoid as I embrace indigenisation. Development takes time but it does happen, real development can not be rushed and the process can be frustrating.

So Uncle Bob, do you call me, a Ndebele child, your niece? Am I allowed in the Utopia you’re fighting hell and high water to create? Can the Ndebele have no doubt that you acknowledge them as true Zimbabweans? I see your vision and it needs us all to stand and work together, to believe in each other, to trust each other, to hope together. We can no longer afford to be divided along tribal lines as a country if the world is who we are fighting for our economic freedom. You won, and for the next five years you hold the sovereign chair to preside over the nation of Zimbabwe. Who are your people? Like an insecure child crying, ‘Daddy do you love me?’ is who I am as I ask you who hold power over the country I call home but am unsure if I’m welcome there. Together as a united nation we can charter the next five years to see Zimbabwe in a much better space, regardless of political affiliation.

Sadly I doubt I’ll ever have the audience of my sovereign president Robert Gabriel Mugabe, but if I do I’d really like to know that like Mandela, he dreams of a rainbow nation that includes the Ndebele and the White child.