A license to parent

Mental health professionals are amazing. They enter into hardened, neglected and traumatised spaces and begin healing processes for those that are fortunate or privileged enough to access them. Sadly most children in their life times will not be able to get the benefit of a clinical social worker, psychologist, counsellor or other social auxilliary worker. That’s where families come in, parents, mothers and fathers.

Professionals are all well and good especially for remedial purposes but as far as preventative and therapeutic measures are concerned, I’m a believer that the family or the child’s care givers are fully capable to do the work and should in fact be encouraged and equipped to do it on a daily basis. Let’s face it there’s not enough therapists or funding to reach every child. Every trauma neglected has a risk of rendering a child deliquent. Neglecting our kids is just not worth that risk.

In our homes and amidst our busy lives, let’s create and be the soft spaces that children need in order to develop healthy attachments. Every child has a right to be listened to and attended to. Never discount the power of grace. What I mean by grace is developing a vocabulary and body language skill set that is conducive to building healthy relationships with the kids in your care. Being mindful that little minds will sponge up and imitate your behaviour. They will learn respect from you, kindness, openness and all those lovely wholesome qualities. That is not to say you can’t be angry or feel the ugly stuff, but just being mindful for example not to destroy a child’s confidence because you had a bad day.

The world is a big and sometimes scary place, bad things happen. Our children should be able to talk to us and trust us so that we can help make those bad moments in their lives not so monumental and negatively pivotal in their development.

If you’re a parent or caregiver, I urge you to join parenting groups and take classes on parenting. You need a license to drive and believe me you need a more important license to drive your children’s development. A child does not come with a manual and that manual is not necessarily inbuilt, so let’s do the best we know how for our kids, they’re most important blessings we will ever receive.

Patient urgency

2013 is ready to retire and boy am I glad, its probably been the busiest year of my life. Its been a good year but in my reflections the one thing that stands out for me, the one thing worth mentioning, is the amount of children experiencing trauma and sexual abuse in South Africa.

I’ve met and worked with wonderful people this year whose aim is to put a serious dent in this issue. But alas when we shut our doors for the holidays, it seems it was us that had major dents, scars of battle, fatigue was setting in and the holidays were just in time.

Development work takes patience, anger burns hot in your chest but you have to put it aside to create peace for a child that has seen more than they should. This year especially I’ve been privvy to how different families function and respond to news that their son or daughter has been violated. Some care, some don’t and I began to understand that it is not everyone that values a child. It is not everyone that understands that a child will grow up and they become the fruit of the seed invested in them in their formative years.

I was confronted with a sobering thought, these endless cases of children that are abused do not abuse themselves and its not one person running around abusing all of them either. Women break down when they find out their loving husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles or even their children are responsible. How does it get to that though? When does a child become an object of desire or abuse? I could write books with the different answers collected that motivate paedophilia.

My challenge to whoever ends up reading this post, is to please remember that children are the messages we send to the future about who we are. They are the voices that will amplify our actions and confront us with the legacy we’ve given them. They may become the generation that will violate you when the tables have turned and you become the vulnerable one. Yes, men get raped too, a lot, by other men.

I hope 2014 will see a lot less of our children traumatised. I hope to live in the day that children and in fact everyone will live free of sexual violence. Until then i’ll work with a patient urgency to help these little ones who are hurting and they don’t know why. Are you response-able? How are you responding to the child sexual abuse issue? Are you responsible? How are you protecting the children in your care? Let’s together tie up the fraying threads of ubuntu. Let’s be age appropriate, I will say this again, your grown up consenting wife, girlfriend and prostitutes serve a purpose, let’s leave the children alone.

If I had audience with Uncle Bob I’d like to know…

If I had audience with Uncle Bob I would want to know; Who do you consider Zimbabwean?

For me the issue is not about vote rigging or anything else but moving forward together as a nation. If an 89 year old man can pull off a landslide win with no blood shed, on his terms, surely he has demonstrated leadership skills. Part of democracy is accepting defeat, and according to the constitution for those torn up by his victory, this will be his last term. I myself am no politician and am extremely vulnerable to propaganda so as I write this please note my apolitical stance and bear in mind that I’m a development practitioner above all. But since development on any front and politics have familiar ties, I have one very pressing question for my Uncle Bob; please define for us a Zimbabwean.

The reason I ask this question is because Zanupf’s mantra is Zimbabwe for Zimbabweans. A simple enough statement on the face of it but given Zimbabwe’s troubled history on the untalked about tribal disunity between the Shona and Ndebele, one has to ask for clarity on these issues, just to be sure.

I have the greatest admiration for the visionary that Mugabe is. I have so much respect for his discipline, foresight and tenacity. I get it, what he’s trying to do for Zimbabwe and its not easy. Breaking new ground when the whole world stands against you. Reclaiming what was stolen inhumanely, the ‘black burden’ they call it. Standing mutely on the side while the west takes from you in one form or another over time placating you with democracy while still controlling your economy. There is a bigger picture and I see it: Zimbabweans controlling our raw materials and having the patience to build capacity to industrialize and process our own finished products for domestic use and export. Who is a Zimbabwean though?

There are other bread and butter issues, yes. Like how can hungry people be expected to be patient? But because of these bread and butter issues, there is a real danger in making permanent decisions over temporary matters. That’s what I’m trying to avoid as I embrace indigenisation. Development takes time but it does happen, real development can not be rushed and the process can be frustrating.

So Uncle Bob, do you call me, a Ndebele child, your niece? Am I allowed in the Utopia you’re fighting hell and high water to create? Can the Ndebele have no doubt that you acknowledge them as true Zimbabweans? I see your vision and it needs us all to stand and work together, to believe in each other, to trust each other, to hope together. We can no longer afford to be divided along tribal lines as a country if the world is who we are fighting for our economic freedom. You won, and for the next five years you hold the sovereign chair to preside over the nation of Zimbabwe. Who are your people? Like an insecure child crying, ‘Daddy do you love me?’ is who I am as I ask you who hold power over the country I call home but am unsure if I’m welcome there. Together as a united nation we can charter the next five years to see Zimbabwe in a much better space, regardless of political affiliation.

Sadly I doubt I’ll ever have the audience of my sovereign president Robert Gabriel Mugabe, but if I do I’d really like to know that like Mandela, he dreams of a rainbow nation that includes the Ndebele and the White child.

Support for the single father

One thing that’s clear to many now is that man, the boy child is no god. That’s the message that gender based activities have brought to the fore of my mind. Men are not superior; they are born of a woman just like we are, they suckle for nourishment, go through developmental milestones, they bleed, they have hearts, they have struggles and face fears, they have insecurities and they need.

They need guidance to be better humans, better men, better husbands, better fathers. Just because he stands before you, tall and proud with a booming voice doesn’t mean he automatically knows what to do and how to be responsible with who he is.

Single fathers need our support to learn how to be active in their children’s lives irregardless of what caused the rift between them and their child’s mother. They need to understand that they are not needed to be financial providers only, that even in the absence of financial capability, their presence and their love are good enough, more than that actually, they are needed. They need to be taught that creating a living breathing soul can not be brushed off. They need to understand consequences and understand that the women they impregnate and toss aside are not crazy or psycho, but are faced with the overwhelming responsibility of raising a child alone, the same responsibility they abandon. They need to understand the consequences of their absence.

Single fathers should be allowed to enjoy the joys of a child as well. By that alone hopefully the drive to be better and do better will be birthed in them.

Men are taught to be quasi-gods, purposely by culture and unintentionaly by gender bias. They need to be supported in being real. They bleed just like us, they cry just like us and they feel just like us. A man can be just as broke, as helpless and needy as a woman the same way a woman can be as powerful, resourceful and fearless as a man. We are all humans with different roles, we are vulnerable to similar fates so let’s support each other based on needs and not gender.

There are issues of whose the most vulnerable and and and but sometimes in our focus on one group we neglect the other; the unintended consequences of being one dimensional.

Song of a pixie

I want a lover
Hot and sweet
Hard and fast
Not you

I want a mystery
Open yet closed
Fiery yet cool
Not you

I want adventure
New and exciting
Bold and dangerous
Not you

I want a friend
Joyful and light
Soft and nice
Not you

You make love to me
And expose your heart
You see too much, read too much
Of my soul
You’re too safe, protective
Too intense, too wise
You expect too much and give too much
I want to be free
I don’t want you

Freedom to not be known
Freedom to not know
Freedom from expectations
Freedom from constructs
I want me, alone
I don’t want you

A holistic approach to Domestic Violence

This year my focus on Domestic Violence shifted. Shifted not from taking away the severity of violence against women and children, but to seeking a more holistic approach of stopping this particular culture of violence. My thoughts are that we’ve been very one dimensional in dealing with this, shouting and screaming through all sorts of media for men to stop. While this is a very necessary and vital stance, there are other considerations that feed into the equation and other ways of putting a halt to Domestic Violence. Quite frankly, with all the media noise around the subject, it seems to have gotten worse.

Domestic violence is a pattern of abuse within an intimate relationship setting like marriage or co habitation. Although women and children often bear the brunt in these situations, there are a number of recorded incidents where the males fall victim. One of the problems with Domestic Violence is that at the end of the day, victim and perpetrator will lock the doors for the night and face each other, that’s the nature of this intimate violence. It infringes on more barriers than just the physical.

There are 4 approaches I’ve come across recently that need to gain more steam and come to the fore; (1) Nurturing fatherhood (2) Uncovering women instigators (3) Domestic violence against men exists (4) Clamping down on child abuse.

(1) Nurturing fatherhood – is a movement where men talk to, teach and encourage men to make better choices for the greater good. Its relatively new in Africa and I think it will make a huge impact against Domestic violence amongst other vices. What I like about it is that it teaches men to be responsible for their children, they can’t just go around impregnating women because they have sperm and then turn around and walk away as if those women and children are weeds and left to their own devices. As unsightly and worthy of uprooting as weeds are, that’s what they leave in their wake while they proceed to plant more weeds and before you know it we’re a society choker block with weeds that are killing the goodness and wholesomeness of relationship and humanity. Instead of women trying to speak to men, unfortunately some men because of culture or religion, are indoctrinated to not give a second’s thought to the words that are carried by a woman, men speak to men and will hopefully get to the heart of the matter and tackle it within the sacredness of brotherhood.

(2) Uncovering women instigators – there is little a woman can do against the devious minds of mothers and sisters in law who have other plans for their family. Instead of cautioning against Domestic Violence, they take pleasure in it, incite it even, pretend it doesn’t exist and when its exposed, they don’t hesitate taking over where fists left off and continue the abuse hurling a barrage of verbal assault from their very adept arsenal. Interestingly this is not exclusive to the traditional rural masses, but instigators can be educated feminists who are active against genital mutilation, equal rights and other worthy causes or women who themselves have been at the mercy of a heavy handed man. If women stop behaviours like this and band together irregardless of whatever dislike they have of each other but focus on a shared mission to stop atrocities like Domestic violence, we will go a long way. Maternal influence goes without saying and should be used positively and wisely.

(3) Domestic violence against men exists – men are often verbally abused, I have to admit I’ve done my share of this. Sometimes women are unaware that verbal assaults can really cripple a soul its important that such detail isn’t glossed over because men are important too, and I think in this fight against Gender Based Violence we often forget that. Women can get physically violent against men, most are fortunate that their men don’t retaliate (God bless their souls), but it is no less violent simply because its presumed lesser damage can be caused. Sometimes men are maimed with acid or boiling oil and in the unfortunate circumstances of some women, the men turn around and do serious damage. Women should also do their part and stop pretending that men are the only perpetrators of Domestic Violence.

(4) Clamping down on child abuse – the first education a child gets is in the home, it only makes sense that to make sure the next generation does not continue to abuse, we must lead by example and not abuse them ourselves. Children are told by their parents they’re stupid or ugly or useless, they’re hit so hard in the name of discipline and love they grow up confused about expressions of love and having learnt not discipline but fear and how not to get caught or piss of someone stronger than they are, and God help those that are weaker than they are, including their own wives and children because after all the way to discipline and show love is to beat. That is breeding Domestic Violence at its best. If schools abolished corporal punishment why is it still such a big feature in some homes. As a parent myself its important to understand what I hope to achieve with my child and not allow anger to resort to shoddy and suspect parenting tactics. Children are not property, we are custodians of their future and should teach ourselves to be good stewards of their precious lives.

Domestic Violence should be looked at holistically and campaigns should educate appropriately. The focus is on men meanwhile their mothers and sisters are whispering poison in their ears, as children they are brought up in a culture of violence and some are being panel beat by their wives. Men shoulder greater responsibility because they have the capacity to create more damage due to their size, and the place they take in most homes as heads of households, so its important that we acknowledge the men that are getting it right and support them as they rightly join the fight we aim to win!

A cold war is never really over is it?

Colonialism came and played itself out, Capitalism which some have deemed economic slavery came and it too may be on its way out. The East led by Russia seems to have won control of Africa from the West led by the USA. The two imperialist powers have avoided going head to head at war because they both posses equal force to annhilate one another. They have engaged in all sorts of other strategies to gain domination and I have to give it up to the East because BRICS seems to be offering Africa at last, a means to negotiate and pave its own development. The West enslaved Africa and the East allowed history to do its work and now it extends a hand which Africa of its own will has taken.

The BRICS nations: Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa are in Durban to forge a way ahead for their development. These countries combined are a wealth of natural and human resources. One thing I’ve come to understand is that Capitalism and the West can not survive outside of exploiting the third world and using its resources for its own benefit. I’m quite interested to see how its all going to play out. Africa holds the key to its own development and its about damn time we figured out how to use it. We are intelligent and we do have the capacity to unlock our freedom and improve our quality of life. We alone know the value of our cultural identities and its time we stuck true to those and blow away the cloud of confusion that has held us captive for far too long.

There’s talk about creating a development bank that offers aid to developing countries. This bank will rival International aid agencies, namely, the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and the World Bank. The BRICS nations are yet to work out the logistics and President Jacob Zuma has been nominated chair for the year to make sure that progress is made before the next summit.

One wonders though if this isn’t a tad ambitious? For South Africa that is, can they afford to contribute to the proposed fund? Don’t they currently owe International aid agencies? How is that going to work? Will the West just stand by and watch their investment emancipate and do nothing?

Its commendable that BRICS is challenging the current world order and offering an alternative. The current state of affairs has done nothing for Africa but keep it in a perpetual state of poverty and dependance and now BRICS is offering a new way of development. One where Africa sits at the negotiating table, where its agendas are priority; skills development, eradicating poverty & unemployment, capacity building, infrastructure development, a focus on science and technology, trade and communication development among others. Its exciting, if not somewhat suspicious. This could be just another form of neo colonialism, it could be another way to exploit Africa’s natural resources without being overly overt about it.

What’s my stance on this emerging world power, the development bank, the BRICS agenda? I think change is a good idea, Africa must learn how to make deals that make sense for its people. We all want something from each other after all and at least now the playing fields appear to be getting ready for a bulldozer to level them out so that for once in its long history of slavery, Africa can stand a fighting chance.

We are more powerful than we’ve been led to believe, more intelligent than we’ve yet explored and I believe not as gullible as the world would like to think. An opportunity has come a knocking and we’ll be damned if we let fear keep us from exploring our potential. If the other nations could create something out of nothing, so can we; we’ve watched and learnt the game of smoke and mirrors. BRICS is offering us a fighting chance against an order that has long oppressed us.

I know there’s religious issues that will crop up with this new partnership. I know there’s sceptism about what China and Russia really want, their exploitative methods when it comes to labour and environmental issues. The challenge that faces us now and what we aren’t wholly sure of is if this is just a transactional transfer of masters where Africa has come willingly to be chained. I think the continent’s desperation for positive development and our people’s hungry cries for food and dignity have to at the very least mobilise us towards hope.

As a side note: I wonder who else thinks South Africa is Africa’s imperialist power? Deploying troops to war against advisement, being one of the super powers of a soon to be development bank? Mmm. If East (Russia) and West (USA) fought for global domination, could South Africa and Nigeria have a go at each other for African domination? Two African super powers with different ways. Just a thought.

Is treating women like queens compatible with feminism?

Let’s define the terms we’ve thrown into the pot in anticipation of what might or might not be a palatable marriage of ideals.

Feminism – the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social and economic equality to men.

A queen – a woman who has supremacy in a given domain

Before we even delve into the subject matter, we are already contending with two opposite premises: equality and supremacy. An oxymoron, it’s incongruous – incompatible.

I found this topic quite interesting especially when an esteemed friend of mine dared to tackle it in the context of relationships. Read what he has to say: Thoughts and confessions – Just to throw a pebble in his pond, I’d like to offer a different perspective to his. Relationships defy all sorts of laws, logic or principles – that’s the reality. Especially romantic relationships based on the premise of love. A man can not wear the same hat he wears when he’s out doing his day to day business with the world, when he comes home to his wife. He can not afford to be aggressive, forceful or rigid in how he handles her if he wants a happy harmonious home. He needs to make some concessions, indulge her. In the same way, a feminist must know when to let her hair down especially in the home setting.

I agree, feminism is greatly misunderstood to be about bra burning, male hating females – it is not. Feminism is an approach applied to remedy societal imbalances against women. If that imbalance does not exist then there should be no need for anyone to clarify or lobby for equal rights. A healthy relationship should be a negotiation between those involved about the meaning and value they give to each other. Rightfully although lately this is contestable, a man should protect his family while a woman should nurture it. Part of a man’s protection of his woman is protecting her against unfairness, and part of a woman’s nurturing of her man is to nurture his ego. Just because a woman is not brandishing ‘equal rights’ in her kitchen doesn’t mean she should be forced to do all the housework by virtue of being a woman. Part of loving is caring about the well being of your partner. By all means treat your men like Kings and treat your women like Queens irregardless.

My point is, outside of romantic relationships, treating women like queens is incompatible with feminism. Women should be empowered to make their own choices, learn how to be effective in their trades and deal with the consequences of their own decisions. I’m not saying don’t be chivalrous and start treating them like men, not at all, women are not men and they’ll never be. They just need to be allowed to explore their potential as women who are not inferior as human beings to males. Within relationships, all bets are off, feminist or not, you better hope you made the right decision in choosing a life partner that treats you like a queen!

Stirrings of a new dawn

Stirrings of a new dawn – breathtaking 🙂

Call me optimistic, call me a dreamer, one thing I know for certain is something good is happening to Zimbabwe. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, well Zimbabwe wasn’t built in a day or a decade *cringe* but it’s being built and I believe that the long road its taking, the  sharp pangs of labour pain are about to deliver something beautiful.

There is a long list of Zimbabweans out there doing their part in creating a sustainable and economically viable Zimbabwe. Each and every Zimbabwean, irregardless of stature, education, or whatever crippling excuses can be given, can contribute towards the building of our country. Be the change you want to see in your world. You can be involved in Policy making research or you could simply stop using the streets as a toilet. You can actively lobby for the betterment of your communities or you could mobilize a couple of friends to plant trees, pick litter or visit the elderly and ailing.

Tourism is the second biggest contributor to the country’s economy so aside from foreign travellers, I would like to sincerely thank Diasporans for visiting the country and paying patronage to its touristic sites. Its not always possible to be in the country for a lot of reasons but that doesn’t make you any less Zimbabwean and you should not relegate your responsibility to your country. Who do you relegate it to? No one, so your country sits and waits for you to take an interest again, it waits for you to weed out the chaos that’s taken your place and created havoc. This nonsense of Zimbabweans assuming the identity of others, calling themselves South African or whatever, may it please stop. It not only embarrasses you but it reveals embarrassment in your country. Granted there are unpleasantries associated with Zim but if your bum is hanging out, do you assume the identity of someone else and hope your bum covers itself up? No, you own your embarrassing situation and FIX it. At the end of the day, you are Zimbabwean, change your attitude towards the country. PROUDLY ZIMBABWEAN!!!

#263Chat – Let’s get talking

I must acknowledge and extend heartfelt gratitude to Sir Nige, Nigel Mugamu, he’s the founder of the tweet@ble #263Chat on twitter. #263Chat is an intelligent innovation that draws the ordinary Zimbabwean into conversation about the future direction development in Zims should be taking. Relevant role players are roped in and for about an hour and a half interviewed and interrogated about their plans and actions. Last week we had an insightful chat with the Ministers of Tourism for Zimbabwe and Zambia. Get on board, give your input, it matters, you matter, YOU are Zimbabwe.

I love you all, and I tell you something’s moving in Zimbabwe, something’s stirring in her belly; it’s called the dawn of a new era.

When it’s all said and done – eulogy of a saint

There is nothing as sobering as death. It brings to question mortality, purpose

Goodbye friend

and the afterlife. Death uncompromisingly asks: Did you live out the Great Commission? Did you love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and did you love your neighbour as yourself? You see if you can honestly answer these questions, there’s really no need for more introspection: If you really loved (1 Corinthians 13), then it’s not likely that you murdered etc and if you did not love, well whatever you did may as well be murder for there is no sin greater than the other. The thing about death is that you can no longer take advantage of God’s grace, your race is over.

 

Saints, let us not lose sight of who we are and whose we are. If you still have breath in you; minister, serve, disciple and be a good steward over what God has blessed you with. Above all else, love. Fear the Lord and gain wisdom, for with wisdom comes the certainty of avoiding blurry lines, of avoiding the grey areas, of avoiding being lukewarm. Run your race with fervor, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done, it doesn’t matter who says what or tries to condemn you, focus on God and hold tight to the message of grace, for there is no condemnation in the message of love and grace but plenty of room for second chances, plenty of room to live out the Great commission so that when death asks its uncompromising questions, you will be in line for the perfect praise: Well done good and faithful servant!

 

I was honoured to cross paths with a woman who was alive to God’s presence. She had a calm and quiet spirit, when she had nothing productive to say, she said nothing. She strived for perfection and even her physical appearance was testimony to the pride she took in good things. The day she shared her life story with me I was dumb founded. She had quite a cross to bear but she did the only thing she knew how, she gave it to Jesus and you know what, He carried it for her. If she didn’t tell you anything about what she was going through you would not suspect a thing. The fruits of the holy spirit were evident in her, she was patient and kind. I have no doubt in my mind where she is right now, she is with the Lord whom she loved and served! Amen!

 

When it’s all said and done

Take comfort in Him you served

Let it be the Lord

For He created you, He loves you and He waits for you

Don’t serve yourself

Don’t serve the world

When it’s all said and done

Only the Lord lives

And only He wills to live

 

Rest in Peace Edith. You’ve run your race and you fought the good fight. We will take a leaf out of your tree and be alive in the Lord God almighty. Sing sing sing! You perfected God’s gift to you here on earth now you worship him with confidence. We are witnesses to your voice, the voice that called out to the Lord and sang sweetly for His glory and the increment of His Kingdom. Lala ngokuthula, you will be missed.